கல்லான அகலிகை!

ஏன் யாரோ செய்த தவற்றிற்காக கல்லாக மாற சபிக்கப்பட்டாள் என்ற கேள்வியும் இந்தக்கதை என்ன சொல்ல விழைகிறது என்ற தேடலும் ராமாயணத்தை நினைக்கும்போதெல்லாம் எழாமலிருப்பதில்லை!

பெண்கள் மீதான அடக்குமுறைக்கான ஏற்பாடு மட்டும்தானா இந்தக்கதை? ராமாயணம் மனைவியரின்மேல் ஆணுக்குள்ள உரிமையை, ஆளுமையை வெவ்வேறு வடிவங்களில் வெளிப்படுத்தியிருந்தாலும் இந்தக்கதை அதையும் மீறிய ஒன்றாகவே எனக்குத் தோன்றுகிறது.

 மிகவும் நம்பப்பட்ட ஒருவரால், அல்லது ஒரு விஷயத்தில் ஏமாற்றப்படும்போது மனதின் அடி ஆழத்தில் ஏதோ ஒன்று முறிந்துபோகிறது; வாழ்வின் இனியவிஷயங்களை ரசிப்பது - ரசிப்பது என்ன - உணர்வது கூட இயலாமல் போகிறது. வழக்கமாக பாடலொன்றை முணுமுணுத்துக்கொண்டு ரசனையுடன் செய்யப்படும் வேலைகள் கூட, செய்யவேண்டிய கடமைகளில் ஒன்றாகிப்போகிறது! கைகளும் கால்களும் இயந்திரம் போல வேலை பார்க்க மனமோ வேறெங்கோ சஞ்சரிக்கும் நிலை ஏற்படுகிறது. எனக்கென்னவோ கல்லாதல் என்பது இதுதான் என்றே தோன்றுகிறது. அகலிகை இந்திரனால் கல்லானாளா அல்லது தன்னை நம்பமுடியாத கௌதமரைத் தான் நம்பிய வேதனையால் கல்லானாளா என்பது அவள் மட்டுமே அறிந்திருப்பாள்! வாழ்வின் அனைத்து தளங்களிலும் கல்லாயிருந்தாளா அல்லது கௌதமருக்கு மட்டும் கல்லாயிருந்தாளா என்பதும் அவள் மட்டுமே அறிந்திருப்பாள்!

 நிகழ்காலத்தில் வாழமுடியாமல் கடந்த காலத்தின் சுமையால் உணர்வைத் தொலைத்த அனைவரும் கல்லாய்ப்போனவர்களே! நேற்று நம்மில் விட்டுச்சென்ற குப்பையை, ஏமாற்றப்பட்ட வலியை, நியாயமான கோபத்தின் காரணமாக நமக்கு நாமே இட்டுக்கொண்ட விலங்கைக்  களையும் வலிமை, ஏதோ ஒரு அற்புததருணத்தில் நமக்குக்கிடைக்கிறது. பிறர் வலியை உணரும்போதோ, நல்லாசிரியர் வழிகாட்டுதலின்பேரிலோ கல் உடைந்து, மறைந்திருந்த மனிதம் வெளிவருகிறது. அகலிகைக்கும் அதுதான் நிகழ்ந்திருக்கக்கூடும். தன் வலியை விட ராமனின் வலி அதிகமாகத் தெரிந்திருக்கலாம்! அல்லது ராமன் தன்  வலியை மறப்பதற்கு உபயோகித்த உத்திகளைக் கற்றுக்கொடுத்திருக்கலாம்! தாய்க்குச்சமமாகக் கருதிய கைகேயியால் ராமன் ஏமாற்றப்படுவான் என்று அவள் உணர்ந்திருக்கலாம்! அல்லது ராமன் சீதையை நம்பாமல் விளைவிக்கவிருக்கும் துயரைவிட கௌதமர் தன்னை நம்பாமல் போன வலி குறைவாய்த்தெரிந்திருக்கலாம்!

நம்மைச் சுற்றி எத்தனை அகலிகைகள்!

 நம்முள் எத்தனை அகலிகைகள்!

 கல்லுடைக்க ராமன் வரும் நாள் எந்நாளோ!

Right to express

I travel every day by taxi. I generally use my travel time to catch up with my friends and family, so do not interact with the drivers mostly. But today is one of those rare days that the driver started conversing with me; I too did not have the will to talk to anyone from my usual list, so started listening to this person. He  spoke about how he ate his breakfast in a government run restaurant, how he dropped a person in a neighboring state and made considerable money unlike the other days and so on & so forth.

After 15 - 20 mins of conversation, rather, talking about various disconnected items (the only connection was they were all the driver's experiences with something), he abruptly stopped and said, "Madam, thank you". I could not understand why he is thanking me, because I have not said anything other than acknowledging him with a few "uh-hm", "I see"! After pausing and leaving me in complete silence for a few minutes, he said, "after 10 days, I talked to someone about something other than my work and you listened intensely. Thank you for that". 

I was curious to know why is he saying so. Without me prompting further he explained how he is always on the move, how his wife and sons are managing his absence, how his customers are requesting for his services, how he responds to them, how customers distance themselves from him, how his family is keen only on the money he brings in (surprisingly, he did not blame them; instead he said it is natural for anyone who is hard pressed for money!) and how he does not have a chance to talk to anyone on most of the days. When I met him, he was away from his family also for more than a week. So literally, he had not talked to any one about anything other than pickup place, drop place, bill and cash! While he accepted the realities of life with a chuckle, he was longing inside to share with 'someone'! By the time he was done explaining his reasons for thanking me for listening to him, we had reached my house. I got off the cab thanking him for the service, giving money. He thanked me multiple times for the conversation before letting me leave. 

Since then, I have been thinking deeply about this experience and about my cook - who generally has a lot of stories to share. Unfortunately, when she is at my kitchen fixing our breakfast and lunch, I am busy doing my yoga, meditation and getting ready to go to work. I did not have the time to talk to her about anything else other than deciding the next day's menu and giving feedback on that day's food (that too only because she asks for!). I listened to her only to agree/disagree and how to reply not to understand her as a person not even to give her the feeling of being heard. Wow.... that hit me hard!!! Till then, I was thinking that I am treating her like myself by letting her choose to eat whatever & whenever she feels like and drink coffee/tea/milk any number of times she likes… Now I am thinking, really? Of course in many houses, the maids do not get to choose what do they eat, when do they eat etc.. But it does not mean that I am treating her like how I would like to be treated myself. Dont I want someone to listen to me to understand instead of listening only to reply!! 

Don’t you think all of us need someone to listen to our stories and don’t you think that we all have the right to express! Do we really give this to those around us and do we really have it ourselves? Is it not the minimum respect our fellow human beings deserve to get from us? If right to express is one of the foundational human rights, is active listening not one of the fundamental duties?

சுத்தபடுத்த வழி என்ன?

பஞ்ச பூதங்களும் பல  பொருட்களைச்சுத்தம் செய்ய உதவுகின்றன! தூசி நீக்க காற்று உதவும்! துணியின் அழுக்கு நீக்க நீர் உதவும்! விளக்கின் அழுக்கு நீக்க மண் உதவும்! தங்கத்தின் அழுக்கு நீக்க தீ உதவும்!

மனதின் அழுக்கை நீக்க வழி என்ன? ஆகாயமா?

Status of Karma clearing Program - After two years!

In September 2011, I tried following the Karma clearing program. In October, after 9 days of practice - rather attempt - I realized that it is not just a 9 day affair and unless I practice everyday, I will not succeed in one of the programs started on a new-moon day. It has been two years since the realization! Hmmm… two long years… when I review the progress made so far, sure, there is improvement!!! But I am skeptical if I would ever succeed in the 9 days- 9 rules program! 

Toughest were the first two! At quite a number of instances, I was able to hold my criticism back and expressing dissatisfaction back. But there was no single day that went by without criticizing something or someone in the past two years! The person got criticized worst was myself. I tore myself apart mentally on many days - for various reasons. And because of that, I expressed my dissatisfaction to almost everyone I interacted with - to some people, expression was polite and on others, it was rude out-pour! I think these two are and will be the hardest considering my INTJ personality - "J" being the vital root cause!

Out of the rest, one major meal a day was not hard at all- except on those days I had official dinners and personal parties to attend, I was able to stick to this. I am not a heavy eater anyway! So I wont even say that I started practicing it for the Karma clearing program.

Rising earlier was also not very tough. It only tested the will power and also there was no specification for "earlier" - there was only a definition - one hour before your usual time. But there were days on which I woke up very late because I did not sleep on time the previous night

The next two were the tougher category as they tested my ego. "Do something you dislike" sounds very simple; but the catch point is, your survival should not depend on the disliked activity - for example, I do not like to initiate conversation with a total stranger but my job expects me to do that; as a process coach I would have to initiate conversations with any new project team member irrespective of whether they approach me or not. This means that I can't consider  this activity for fulfilling the rule! There were many other tasks like sewing etc. but my ego could not accept that I had some tasks I disliked :-) Shocking and interesting realization! Till today, I am not able to break my ego down with this rule.

Helping someone without leaving a trace - hmm, this was another bombshell. I used to believe that I help people without the intention to take credit for the help - like my parents. Even in October 2011, I thought this rule was not very tough, it is just that I did not get time to help someone during the nine day period. But the two years observation shows very clearly that I am not as well intended person as I thought. In some instances, I left without any trace really. But there were times when, though I did not try taking credit when I helped people, I was beaming with pride when someone praised me for the help!  Of course there were times, when I was genuine in not leaving trace but got caught in action. And there were times when I tried to leave a subtle trace so that people will feel that I am a modest person! Wow!  Overall, this rule made me understand some darker side of me!

Meditating every day was one of the rules I could follow on almost all days. Effectiveness of the meditation varied on different days; my mind was wandering on some days ; I was not even able to observe my breath on some days; on other days I went deep within. I sat for meditation on almost all days except when I was traveling.

I was not regularly recalling the day in reverse at bed time - not because it was tough to recall. But I missed on many occasions - either because I was tired or irritated or was very late to bed or just that I forgot.

Like in September 2011, the only rule I was able to follow was "observe thoughts and actions". I continued observing my thoughts and actions on all days; I could clearly see the connection between my thoughts, expressions and actions. All expressions and actions were born of a thought; If the thought was negative, the outcome was devastating - however small the thought was! Even the ones that were "positive" had their bad effects at times - they affected "No criticism" rule. How can I stop thinking and judging each thought as positive and negative or good and bad or right and wrong? "TJ" part of my personality is too strong! That is why I am very skeptical if I would ever be successful in completing a 9 day program!

Untouchablity

In India, the caste system is still strong in certain villages; those who believe in caste system do not use the utensils touched by other castes - especially by those from a "lower" caste. I have always tried to figure out what would have caused this behavior. Possibly obsessive compulsion towards hygiene was the root cause. Like every other best practice, the practice of washing the hands before eating and after touching any dirt became a rule and then became a rigid non-negotiable custom. Obviously those who worked in farms, workshops and those cleaned the town etc. had dirt in their hands after work and they became untouchables.

The western world that strongly opposed this behavior is slowly getting into the "custom" mode. I recently visited Detroit. An old lady who was working as sales person in a huge retail store (one of the big retail chains) threw her water bottle into trashcan as a child from a developing nation touched the bottle. 

In another incident, an Afro-American tried helping a teenage boy who was about to drop a big pack of walnuts. The boy threw the whole pack because this person touched the pack! It was such a crude shock to me. It was not a shock to anyone else; they took it as a normal phenomenon. Probably it was a normal behavior for the medieval Indians too.

Hope western world realises this and tries correcting this behavior before it becomes so deep rooted. 

Rama and Krishna

Sometime ago, I was relating Buddha to the consultants. Possibly I did not get it right then, I feel! A coach should be like Krishna and the PM should be like Rama.

Rama was a good manager; he was able to use the right people for the right job at the right time. Of course he made mistakes too. He took charge of the situations and moved to people to work for his goals with benefits for every one along the way. He could manage humans, animals, super-humans and super natural powers! He used different techniques to nudge them to action. He was part of the army and fought his fight.

Krishna was a good coach. A coach should know the business, and should be able to keep calm during the stressful times. Like Rama, Krishna also used different techniques to make people act. But he did not get into the war directly. He was a warrior and could fight the most dangerous men in first of half of his life; so he knew the nuances of the business. But later, when he matured as a coach, he guided his team to victory. He was the most calm person during the war and hence he could get his head to act.

In my opinion, someone who did not know the business / did not deal with the business practilcaly becomes a coach, the team suffers. I want to be more like Krishna!

Inspiring People I met in the journey of my life

Mr. Manohar Devadoss the famous artist with eyesight related challenges was one of the people who inspired me as a child. During my school days I had severe gynecological issues; that used to be really painful, tiring and depressing. There was an article in the Tamil magazine 'Ananda Vikatan' about Mr. Manohar and Mrs. Mahima, how they are managing their life with positive attitude despite the physical challenges. That gave me a lot of courage and hope. I started fighting back the ailments with a smile; in fact I even forgot that I am fighting. I took it just as a constraint to be handled.

In my college days I met Mrs. Indira Bhavani - our Tamil lecturer. She did not have children and her husband was on a job that required extensive travel that they met only a few days a month. Amidst her all the other constraints she was doing her Ph.D as well. On a fateful morning, she was paralyzed and could not move her right arm and leg. Her speech was impaired - her most critical asset! Doctors did not have much hope for her to be normal again. She proved all of their predictions wrong and revived back with even better clarity of thinking. She used her sickness period to listen to audio books, learn a language and when she got back to normalcy, she continued her research & completed her Ph.D. She wrote short stories, published poetry, helped students in all aspects.  She encouraged all the students to perform their best in fields of their choice. She gave different assignments to students that were unheard of in the past. Wow… that was inspiring… She could handle the high pressure times with such an ease, that made the problems appear much smaller than they actually were.

In work, I met Mrs. Sathya - a person who could smile at almost everything. Her husband passed away, leaving a teenage daughter and Sathya. Sathya's health was also posing a big risk for her; official life was not smooth either. Many of us were leaving the organization due to various reasons; as a result she had to handle operations with less no of people; customer-base was reacting differently; there were a lot of changes in the top management also around that time. She also had to manage serious betrayals from very close friends. Had it been any other person, he/she would have walked away from this situation. She had patience, she had the grace to forgive all those who were cruel to her. She even completed her Senior Management Program  from IIM during this hardest part of her life… I did not realize all this when I was working closely with her. I was in middle of my own set of problems both at my personal & official life and I was blind to many good things around me - including her. I was misinterpreting almost everything because of many negativities I had in my mind. After I quit that job and moved to another, I was thinking about many incidents in a totally new light. Really I am inspired with the tremendous learning I got from her. How to keep your calm in the middle of such a storm, how to be graceful despite the bad attitude of others, how to be firm while being gentle. Such an inspiring person…

In a work related travel, I met Mr. Robin B - who is cheerful in spite of the challenges he had to handle; I should say, I met Mr. Robin B and Mrs. Vanessa B, the lovely couple who have a bright outlook towards life. The way they took care of me, as their personal guest was really impressive - I was actually not their personal guest, I was just a colleague of Robin who was visiting their city on official purpose for a week. To be precise, to Vanessa, I was a total stranger from a different country, culture, with a totally different looks. Their hospitality was not the only best part though they were one of the best hosts. The more inspiring aspect was their ability to smile at life's challenges and uncertainties… They have a little son, whose brain growth was impeded by excessive fluid collection around the brain. When you meet them, you wont even see any trace of difficulties on their faces. I spent a week with them. They did not complain - not even once - about the difficulties involved though I could see the difficulties myself. They were treating both kids equally; they were giving their best to the children while enjoying their lives as much as possible; They were trying to manage their schedules in such a way that each of them will get their exclusive personal time. Wow… that was inspiring…

I am sure I would continue to meet more inspiring people on my journey. However these five are special to me. They opened new doors in my thinking. I was not looking at life like that before I met them, though I too have bounced back from many setbacks in life. Will power, determination, kindness, joyfulness and respect for others are the great lessons I learnt from them.

Though I have never met Mr. Manohar in person, I feel that I have met him and know him closely! Though Mrs. Indira Bhavani is not with us anymore, she is with me always! Though I do not work with Mrs. Sathya, I think of her almost every week and take inspiration to carry on with my life! Though I do not get to see the Bebbingtons, I connect with them mentally daily, whenever I see kids running around! They are all truly inspirational...