Happiness...

When I wrote “Travel 180 degrees” itself, I guessed that there will be discussions and follow up articles. I am glad that my guess came true. This one is about “happiness” and alignment between thoughts, speech & deeds. The argument was, can we do and say whatever we feel like just to be in alignment with what we think! Of course not!

My point is about when they are not in alignment it will create stress or you will be considered as dubious.  Which one will you correct if there is conflict between what you think and say? Which one will you change when you say and do are in conflict? What is the point in saying something if you know that you can not or will not or should not be doing that?

Sure, some times we say or do something just to keep peace but we don’t mean it. Once in a while it is fine to do that. But if we have to continue doing it, we know how it feels like after we do that! We feel frustrated or guilty or worried of being caught! Should we really do it? The question is how will you fix this? If our thinking is correct and the environment is restricting the expression then it is better to fix the environment. Many of us choose to keep peace and bottle up even in this case. That is suppression. It would come out in a nasty way. Not only that we develop hatred towards the environment. When we don’t mean what we say, it leads to artificial harmony which in turn leads to all the other bad behaviours in ourselves and others!

Let us look at the other side where we  are saying the right things but our thinking is not correct - obviously it is our thinking that needs to be corrected. Sure it is not easy. It can be painful. But that pain is much smaller compared to the pain of encouraging the thinking while suppressing just the expression. This can also come out in nasty way and the damage it does is even more!

Conflict between what we say and do is a lot easier to fix than the conflict between thinking and doing/saying. It is a matter of just speaking less. The famous movie dialogue from Rajanikanth is the solution- speak only what is doable and do what is "speakable"; in other conditions keeping quiet is the best strategy. If we think carefully, this reduces the criticisms too. It reduces arguments too! Life is peaceful when we only discuss the possibility of doing!

It is about taking on painful or difficult things today to achieve bigger things in future or to prevent bigger pain in future. Though it sounds counter-intuitive, that is the only possibility I feel. Correcting the incorrect thinking or expression is painful in short term but beneficial in long term. With practice, the time we take to correct ourselves comes down; eventually we learn to think in the right way, learn how to fix the environment quickly if needed or move out of the environment quickly if fix is not possible and how to differentiate between the two options. This brings utmost inner peace. There is no happiness if there is no peace inside!!

வேண்டுவன வேண்டும்!

பாரதி போல இன்னொரு கவிஞன் பிறப்பதும், பிறந்தாலும் அவரெழுதும் கவிகள் எனக்கு வாசிக்கக் கிடைப்பதும், வாசித்தாலும் நான் அவற்றை அப்படியே ஏற்றுக்கொள்வதுவும் நடவாத காரியம் என்றே தோன்றுகிறது! எத்தனை தேவையற்ற சிந்தனைகள் நம் நேரத்தைக்கெடுக்கின்றன என்ற எண்ணத்துடன் பாரதியைப்புரட்டியபோது வாசித்த கவிதைகள் இவை!

மற்றொருநாள் பழங்கந்தை யழுக்கு மூட்டை

வளமுறவே கட்டியவன் முதுகின் மீது

கற்றவர்கள் பணிந்தேத்தும் கமல பாதக்

கருணைமுனி சுமந்துகொண்டென் னெதிரே வந்தான்;

சற்றுநகை புரிந்தவன்பால் கேட்க லானேன்:

“தம்பிரானே இந்தத் தகைமை என்னே?

முற்றுமிது பித்தருடைச் செய்கை யன்றோ?

மூட்டைசுமந் திடுவதென்னே? மொழிவாய்” என்றேன்.

புன்னகைபூத் தாரியனும் புகலுகின்றான்:

“புறத்தேநான் சுமக்கின்றேன்; அகத்தி னுள்ளே,

இன்னதொரு பழங்குப்பை சுமக்கி றாய்நீ”

என்றுரைத்து விரைந்தவனும் ஏகி விட்டான்.

மன்னவன்சொற் பொருளினையான் கண்டுகொண்டேன்;

மனத்தினுள்ளே பழம்பொய்கள் வளர்ப்ப தாலே

இன்னலுற்று மாந்தரெல்லாம் மடிவார் வீணே,

இருதயத்தில் விடுதலையை இசைத்தல் வேண்டும்.

இந்த குப்பைகளைத்தள்ளி, நல்லது செய்து அல்லவை நீக்கி, வையத்தலைமை கொள்ள வேண்டுமாயின், பெரிதினும் பெரிது கேட்கவேண்டும்! கனவு மெய்ப்பட வேண்டுமாயின்,

மனதி லுறுதி வேண்டும்

வாக்கினிலே யினிமை வேண்டும்

நினைவு நல்லது வேண்டும்

காரியத்தி லுறுதி வேண்டும்

மண் பயனுற வேண்டும்

வானகமிங்கு தென்பட வேண்டும்

உண்மை நின்றிட வேண்டும்.

பாரதி சொல்வதுபோல்,

மண்ணி லார்க்குந் துயரின்றிச் செய்வேன்,

வறுமை யென்பதை மண்மிசை மாய்ப்பேன்.        

தானம் வேள்வி தவங்கல்வி யாவும்

தரணி மீதில் நிலைபெறச் செய்வேன்,

விண்ணில் ஆதவன் நேர்த்திடும் ஒளியும்

வெம்மை யும்பெருந் திண்மையும் அறிவும்

தண்ணி லாவின் அமைதியும் அருளும்

தருவள் இன்றென தன்னை யென்காளீ!

Travel 180 degrees!

ஒவ்வொருவரும் நெடுந்தூரப்பயணங்கள் கட்டாயம் மேற்கொள்ளவேண்டும் என்பது என் எண்ணம்! பல்வேறு மனிதர்களை, கலாச்சாரங்களை, வாழ்க்கை முறைகளை, மொழிகளை, மொழியின் பிறழ்வுகளை,   இயற்கை அழகை, இயற்கையின் சீரழிவை, இயற்கையின் சீற்றத்தை, இயற்கையின் கொடையை இரசிப்பதற்காக மட்டுமல்ல! பரபரப்பான விமான நிலையங்களின் வேகம் உணர்ந்த அடுத்த சிலமணித்துளிகளில் பேரமைதி தரும் நீண்ட பயணநேரத்திற்காகவும்தான்!

புவியின் ஒருபக்கத்திலிருந்து அடுத்த பக்கத்துக்குச் செல்ல, கிட்டத்தட்ட 20 மணிநேரமாகின்றது! வாசிக்க நினைத்த புத்தகங்களை வாசிப்பதற்கும், வாசித்ததை, கேட்டதை, நிகழ்ந்ததை அசைபோடுவதற்கும், முப்பட்டகத்தில் பட்ட ஒளியாகச் சிதறும் வானவில் எண்ணங்களை கோர்ப்பதற்கும் இந்த 20 மணி நேரம் அவசியமாகிறது. அதுவும், 2-3 வார பணிநிமித்த பயணங்களுக்குப்பின், இந்த ஒய்வு - இல்லை - மோனநிலை அத்தியாவசியத்தேவையாகிறது! 2-3 வாரப்பயணங்கள் பெரும்பாலும் 16-20 மணிநேர வேலைநாட்களைக்கொண்டவையாய் இருக்கின்றன!  அல்லது 16மணிநேரம் எடுக்காமலேயே மூளையைப்பிழிந்து உடலைச் சக்கையாய் துப்பும் திறன்கொண்டவையாய் இருக்கின்றன! அதற்குப்பின் இந்த தனிமைத் தவம் இல்லாவிடில் பல மூளைகள் வெடித்துச் சிதறக்கூடும்! நல்லவேளை பயண நேரம் இத்தனை அதிகமாக இருக்கிறது என்றுகூட நினைத்ததுண்டு! நம் தேவையறிந்து உணவும் நீரும் பரிமாறும் விமான பணியாளர்களைத்தவிர பேசுவோரில்லை! நாமாக நினைத்தாலொழிய நம் கவனத்தைக் கவராத தொலைக்காட்சிப்பெட்டிகள் தவிர தவம் கலைக்கும் மேனகைகள் இல்லை! இப்படிப்பட்ட ஒரு அழகிய பயணத்தின்போது தெறித்த சிதறல்களில் சில உங்கள் பார்வைக்கு!

• கற்றது கைம்மண்ணளவு கல்லாதது உலகளவு! இது அவ்வைக்கு! கற்றது கடுகளவு கல்லாதது உலகளவு! இது எனக்கு! அன்னப்பறவை போல பால் தெளித்துண்ணத் தெரியாமல் எல்லாமே தெரியவேண்டும் என நினைப்பதால் நுனிப்புல் மேய்கிறேன் பலநேரங்களில்!
• எத்தனை வெள்ளையான பரப்பு இருந்தாலும், அதிலுள்ள ஒரு புள்ளியைத்தான் பற்றித்தொங்குகிறது மனம்! அதுவும், புள்ளியை நினைப்பதில்லை என்று நினைத்தபின், கருங்குரங்கை நினைக்காமல் மருந்துண்ண முயற்சிசெய்த நோயாளியாக, வெள்ளை காணாமல் போய்,  ஏனோ மனமே புள்ளியாய்ப்போகிறது!
• It is unbelievable! It takes a hell a lot of effort to be our own selves! It does not take even a fraction of that to be a mirror of  someone else! பிறர்க்குழைத்தே ஏழையாகிப் பழகிவிட்டோமோ! Even worse, not many are not able to bear with us when we are truly ourselves! It takes another equally gutsy person to accept someone who are just themselves!
• வாழ்க்கை நம்மைக்கடைகிறது சதாகாலமும்! வெண்ணெய் வருமா, அமுதம் வருமா, ஆலகாலவிஷம் வருமா என்பது யாருக்குத் தெரியும்? என்ன ஆச்சர்யம், சிற்பங்களும்கூடக் கடையைத்தான்படுகின்றன!
• ஆஹா, வாழ்வில் உற்றுத்தேறும் நிலையை எட்டிவிடலாம்போல என்று நினைக்கும்போதுதான் வாழ்க்கையின் அறுசுவைகளும் முன்பைவிட அதிக வீரியத்துடன் பரிமாறப்படுகின்றன! நாவில் ஒட்டும் இனிப்புக்கொண்ட கொம்புத்தேனும், கசந்து வழியும் பாகல்கூட்டும், காட்டமான பச்சைமிளகாயும், துவர்த்துத் தள்ளும்  பச்சைப்பாக்கும் ஒரேதட்டில் பரிமாறப்படுகின்றன! குடிப்பதற்கு கரும்புச்சாற்றோடு புளித்தகள்ளும் சாக்கடல்நீரும்! எதைக்கொள்வது என்றுதேரும் அதிகாரமின்றி!
• குறிக்கோள்களையும்  இலக்குகளையும் அடைந்தபின் கிடைக்கும் நிறைவு, அவை கிட்டும்வரை தந்த ஊக்கத்திற்கு நிகராக பல நேரங்களில் இருப்பதில்லை! அதனால், இலக்கென்பது நகர்ந்துகொண்டே இருப்பதில்தான் அதற்கும் பெருமை! நமக்கும் உற்சாகம்!
• பொழுதுபோக்கிற்காகச் செய்யும்போது இன்பம்பயக்கும் ஒரு செயல், கடமையாக/ வேலையாகச் செய்யும்போது அதே இன்பத்தைத்தருவதில்லை!
• We all know how to be friendly but not many of us know how to be a good friend!
• யோகம் பயின்றோரும்கூட மரணப்படுக்கையில் பலநாள் கழிக்க நேரலாம், யோகம் பயிலாமல் முறையற்ற செயல் பல புரிந்தோரும் பூ உதிர்வது போல, வலியில்லாமல் பிறரை வதைக்காமல் உதிர்ந்து போகலாம்! வினைகளெல்லாம் விளைவாய் மலர்வதும் மலராததும் இயற்கை விதிதான் போலும்!!
• ஆண் என்ற அஹங்காரமும் முட்டாள்தனமுமான ஆண் மனைவியிடம் நடந்துகொள்வதுபோலத்தான் பல பெண்கள் தங்கள் வேலைக்காரர்களிடமும், சகபெண்களிடமும் நடந்துகொள்கிறார்கள், சிறிய விஷயங்களைப் பெரிதாக்கி, மனதை நோகடிப்பதில்! இதில் ஆணாதிக்கம் என்று தனியாக நோவானேன்!
• நதியும் ஓடும்! சாக்கடையும் ஓடும்! ஓடுவதால் மட்டுமே தகுதி நிர்ணயிக்கப்படுவதில்லை! பிறர் கழித்ததையோ தான் கழித்ததையோ சுமந்து வருத்தத்தோடு ஓடினால் நதியாகமுடியாது!
• மல்லிகையும் முல்லையும்போலத்தான் தேக்கும்கூட பூக்கிறது! ஆனால் தேக்கு பூப்பது ஏனோ உணரப்படுவதேயில்லை! தேக்கின் வலிமையை நினைக்கும் உலகம் அதன் பூவின் மென்மையை நினைப்பதில்லை! கொண்டாடுவதில்லை! பூத்தால் தேக்காகும் தகுதி போய்விடுகிறதுபோலும்!
• Health is not simply the absence of  illness : It is flourishing and excellence in all aspects of the human condition. Similarly, happiness is not just absence of negative feelings!
• If you dare to ask questions, you better have the courage to deal with the answers too! If not, it is wise not to ask questions!
• Only a few people truly care about your problems and the rest are just curious. Even out of those who care, not all can afford to really give care! Caring, giving care, being careful are all very different things from each other!
• Wants and needs function differently for materials and people. To be clutter free, it is better to limit buying things that one really needs instead of buying what one wants. But when it comes to people, the moment you start to need someone, all the bad behaviours start, you choke them and as a result choke yourself too. To be clutter free, it is better to be at the want level with people.
• Most organizations think their challenges are unique and they are the first ones to solve those challenges ever in the world. Every team thinks that way too. People also think that they are unique, no one else has ever felt what they feel, face what they face, deal with the way they deal with! Really?!
• Whatever we think as a big picture is a finer detail for someone else. Similarly, whatever we think as finer detail is big picture for someone else. But why do we assume that we are more detail oriented or more big picture seers than others !  Our main value chain could be someone else supply chain! there is no limit to this on both ends! This is true in thinking too! Why don't we recognize the need for a strong supply chain! Why do we consider people who think at a different plane as a speakers in the air or as sucked into the muddle!
• Same person is seen as extroverted or introverted by others depending on their own levels of extroversion or introversion. There is no absolute scale to it. The same applies to self-evaluation too! But the assessment depends on where someone wants to be vs what they are. Sometimes, we deceive ourselves and assess considering only on what we want to be! It shocks us in a crude way when we realise that what we thought we are and what we really are two different things!
• The moment we consider attitudes and ability to stand by principles as just competence instead of considering them as personality traits fitting into dichotomies, our approach towards others and our own selves changes! Competence varies and is learnable! Highly competent people too may not exhibit the competence always & it is okay /normal! Competence level swings within a range and it takes conscious effort to move from one range of competence to the other! And your competence level is influenceable by those who work closely with you, so it is important to be with more competent players than you - this is called "sat sangam"!
• Happiness is all about alignment (or no / less contradiction) between thoughts, speech / expressions and deeds! If you can not speak about or share what you are thinking as is or do what you are thinking, it creates stress on you. If you can not act as you spoke or expressed, it creates stress on others and as a result it affects you.
• Only the logical people seem to have the ability to love another person! Because they are able to understand why someone behaves the way they behave and because they are able to understand that behaviour is an expression of competence, they are able to accept another person as is! This is just the opposite of the blind unconditional love! Unconditional love may make someone feel like a doormat! But this is knowing what the others are doing but giving them room to learn and grow.
• Knowing where the gap is and not able to fix it creates more frustration. that is why many Lean initiatives / Agile initiatives feel very frustrating to those responsible for transformation and who are part of transformation alike! this is pretty much similar to the learning theory! knowing what to do but not able to do the same makes people feel guilty and frustrated. This is when someone needs a good mentor or a coach or a guru!
• Concepts from every stream of life seem to melt into a single pot! They are all fundamentally the same! That is why statements like "professionally I am a good person but personally I am not" or vice versa are lies - intentional / unintentional or conscious / subconscious - we tell others or to our own nagging minds!
• Sometimes, it is a good idea to check-in all your books in your luggage! it gives you time to write down instead of reading :-)
• Watching a movie is not a bad idea at times! I could watch a movie called "Monsoon Wedding"! Good attempt to express unexpressed nuances of life! If it was in Tamil, the title would have been கார்காலக்கல்யாணம்! Maybe! Like a movie song!

தமிழில் எண்ணச்சிதறல்கள் என்று பெயரிட்டிருப்பேனோ!

Ectogenesis

I recently heard about ectogenesis! Ectogenesis is the development of embryos in artificial conditions outside the uterus! In simple terms, it is the process of growing the baby in an artificial womb!

Looks like there are arguments for and against ectogenesis like any other topic in the world. Some of the counter-arguments are religious, stating that, it is against the creative power of God. Many religions are resisting it big time! If it is so, all the existing fertility treatments, contraceptive treatments and instruments are all against God too! Though the idea sounds  like a recent science fiction idea, it is not a new idea to the Hindus. Hindu mythology has several stories that talk about artificial wombs in several forms! So, I guess, the resistance will be much less in India!

Some of the arguments are social stating that it puts women at a disadvantageous position as they are not needed anymore to sustain humankind. Some argue that it is going to be helpful to women who can not have children due to issues with the uterus. There is truth in both arguments. But, I believe, in near future, the direction will go to the latter. After all, women fulfil a much larger role in men's life than just giving birth to their children!! Sure there will be different expectations at times. But, if someone considers only child birth as the major role to be fulfilled by the wife, he does not deserve her anyway!

My argument is more environmental than religious or social. While I recognize the fact that humans will want their own gene to be passed on to their next generation, I am concerned about the world population. Population is sort of exploding - with 7.4 billion in 2016 and crossing 11 billion by 2100 without the help of assisted pregnancies! I used to wonder if human population is way too high percentage in the overall population of beings on earth! Already, the resources scarce! We are not only creating competition within humans but also we are pushing other species into difficulty as well. Considering that, is this initiative really needed? Can we not motivate couple with no children to adopt or give care to already born humans or other creatures? Can we not stop behaving like primitive mammals that want to pass on their genes - even if it means killing their own siblings? hmm... 

Yet another lesson from an airport...

This year has been full of travels! Seven trips in seven (six ?) months! I can probably count the number of days I was home more easily than the number of days I was away! Each travel brings in new experience and new learning! The current one is no exception!

This was in the Dubai airport. She was in her sixties. I thought she was the most beautiful person on earth at the moment! This was in spite of her shiny jazzy magenta saree that was not going well with her deeper complexion and the environment, in spite of her not so perfect facial features. She must be a mother visiting her children or grandmother visiting her grandchildren. She was all smiles and she did not care who's watching her (as most Indian women at her age would have normally done)! She was looking at her watch, then at the door of the airport shuttle as if the doors will open only at a specific time. She was impatient with the slow moving shuttle at the same time!! It was so nice to see her expressions and excitement.

Since the time I saw her, I am reflecting on travel in general and my own travels. Railway stations and airports are the most emotional places probably! My question is, why are we not so excited to see someone who is always with us! Are we taking them for granted? Is it not the same person even if you meet them after a few days, weeks, months or years? What is the difference between meeting someone after a few hours and meeting them after a few days , weeks, months or years? Are we trained to treat scarce resources as precious resources?

At the airports, most people tend to forget any hard feelings they may have had for the other! At the arrivals side, not having seen the other seems to be make people forget any hard feelings and the only thing that seems to matter is the opportunity to see them back! At the departure gate, they cannot see each other for some time seems to be the most important factor that triggers this kind of emotion!  Don’t we have the same probability even with someone who is always with us too? What is the guarantee that they will live for ever? They may not come back in the evening or we may not come back in the evening! Why are we not able to treat them with same kind of love that we show them at the airports! Interesting!!

Trust Vs Trustworthiness...

I have been thinking about one's ability to trust and being trustworthy for quite a long time now! I could not go with the argument that if your ability to trust others is a good indicator of your own trust-worthiness! It can also be an indicator of ignorance or stupidity!! I sure recognise the fact that those who are not trustworthy will have tough time trusting others. If untrustable people understand / ascertain that the other person is trustable or ignorant or too magnanimous, they seem to trust them and take it to their advantage. Their own trust-worthiness or the lack of it alone does not seem to determine their ability to trust!!! I also have seen people who try hard to be trustworthy having tough time trusting others. So I am not sure if it is that simplistic to say if you are able to trust, it means that you are also trustworthy.

So the key question many times in life is how do we improve our ability to trust!! As a coach, frequently I end up helping the team members start trusting each other. I use a couple of techniques - the first one is explaining possible reason(s) - the positive ones - for someone's behaviour and asking the team to see if there is a possibility for any more such reasons.  Usually such coaching sessions start at a very low energy level but the positive energy gets generated in them is amazing! Teams feel so very excited and/or grateful at the end of the session! The next technique is challenging the assumptions that lead to not trusting others. Though, sometimes this conversation gets tougher to handle, it is essential to break the habit of assuming. It gets tougher when the coach is also responsible for teaching them risk management and techniques like Failure Mode Effect Analysis, SWOT, Threat Model analysis etc. :-) Not only that, the coach may be hated for challenging their belief system! Coaches do not feel afraid to be hated anyways :-) Or put it differently, one can be a coach only if he/she is not afraid of being hated!!

Biggest challenge a coach goes thru is to make the team unlearn! Teaching something all new is a lot easier than making them unlearn what they already know or what they have experienced! If they have had a untrustworthy team member, anybody playing that role becomes untrustable easily only because of their earlier experience! Because they assume this way, they behave overly cautiously. Of course, the other member can understand this - even if they do not understand the reasons, they understand that there is something wrong with the relationship and as a result they behave even more cautiously! With this, they get into a vicious cycle! Remember, statements like, all sales people are liars, all accountants are rude etc., they all stem from the assumption cycle! It gets tougher to get the team out of that habit. Challenging the assumption works better in that case.

As mentioned in many of my earlier articles, applying most of these techniques is easier in professional set up. When it comes to personal environment, anyone who tries to build trust between two / a few other people can be seen as manipulative or intruder or a controller! It is better for the individual to look for ways to break away from the usual thinking, find positive reasons and challenge their own assumptions. It is tough though!! Unlearning is too difficult! It takes considerable effort to unlearn the negativity towards a role in professional environment itself! It can look almost impossible in personal life! Moreover, a lot of generalisations will also happen like in the case of professional life…. The statements like "All women/men are….", "All Indians/Europeans  are…", "All cooks/drivers are…", "All  neighbours in this neighbourhood are… " etc. are a result of such assumptions, negativity towards one person who represented that role / country! But then, it is all the more important to trust people  in personal life! If not, life can be miserable if not hell. I am sure none of us want hell!

How do we make this world feel like heaven? How do we improve trust overall - both being trustworthy and being able to trust?