Ectogenesis

I recently heard about ectogenesis! Ectogenesis is the development of embryos in artificial conditions outside the uterus! In simple terms, it is the process of growing the baby in an artificial womb!

Looks like there are arguments for and against ectogenesis like any other topic in the world. Some of the counter-arguments are religious, stating that, it is against the creative power of God. Many religions are resisting it big time! If it is so, all the existing fertility treatments, contraceptive treatments and instruments are all against God too! Though the idea sounds  like a recent science fiction idea, it is not a new idea to the Hindus. Hindu mythology has several stories that talk about artificial wombs in several forms! So, I guess, the resistance will be much less in India!

Some of the arguments are social stating that it puts women at a disadvantageous position as they are not needed anymore to sustain humankind. Some argue that it is going to be helpful to women who can not have children due to issues with the uterus. There is truth in both arguments. But, I believe, in near future, the direction will go to the latter. After all, women fulfil a much larger role in men's life than just giving birth to their children!! Sure there will be different expectations at times. But, if someone considers only child birth as the major role to be fulfilled by the wife, he does not deserve her anyway!

My argument is more environmental than religious or social. While I recognize the fact that humans will want their own gene to be passed on to their next generation, I am concerned about the world population. Population is sort of exploding - with 7.4 billion in 2016 and crossing 11 billion by 2100 without the help of assisted pregnancies! I used to wonder if human population is way too high percentage in the overall population of beings on earth! Already, the resources scarce! We are not only creating competition within humans but also we are pushing other species into difficulty as well. Considering that, is this initiative really needed? Can we not motivate couple with no children to adopt or give care to already born humans or other creatures? Can we not stop behaving like primitive mammals that want to pass on their genes - even if it means killing their own siblings? hmm... 

Yet another lesson from an airport...

This year has been full of travels! Seven trips in seven (six ?) months! I can probably count the number of days I was home more easily than the number of days I was away! Each travel brings in new experience and new learning! The current one is no exception!

This was in the Dubai airport. She was in her sixties. I thought she was the most beautiful person on earth at the moment! This was in spite of her shiny jazzy magenta saree that was not going well with her deeper complexion and the environment, in spite of her not so perfect facial features. She must be a mother visiting her children or grandmother visiting her grandchildren. She was all smiles and she did not care who's watching her (as most Indian women at her age would have normally done)! She was looking at her watch, then at the door of the airport shuttle as if the doors will open only at a specific time. She was impatient with the slow moving shuttle at the same time!! It was so nice to see her expressions and excitement.

Since the time I saw her, I am reflecting on travel in general and my own travels. Railway stations and airports are the most emotional places probably! My question is, why are we not so excited to see someone who is always with us! Are we taking them for granted? Is it not the same person even if you meet them after a few days, weeks, months or years? What is the difference between meeting someone after a few hours and meeting them after a few days , weeks, months or years? Are we trained to treat scarce resources as precious resources?

At the airports, most people tend to forget any hard feelings they may have had for the other! At the arrivals side, not having seen the other seems to be make people forget any hard feelings and the only thing that seems to matter is the opportunity to see them back! At the departure gate, they cannot see each other for some time seems to be the most important factor that triggers this kind of emotion!  Don’t we have the same probability even with someone who is always with us too? What is the guarantee that they will live for ever? They may not come back in the evening or we may not come back in the evening! Why are we not able to treat them with same kind of love that we show them at the airports! Interesting!!

Trust Vs Trustworthiness...

I have been thinking about one's ability to trust and being trustworthy for quite a long time now! I could not go with the argument that if your ability to trust others is a good indicator of your own trust-worthiness! It can also be an indicator of ignorance or stupidity!! I sure recognise the fact that those who are not trustworthy will have tough time trusting others. If untrustable people understand / ascertain that the other person is trustable or ignorant or too magnanimous, they seem to trust them and take it to their advantage. Their own trust-worthiness or the lack of it alone does not seem to determine their ability to trust!!! I also have seen people who try hard to be trustworthy having tough time trusting others. So I am not sure if it is that simplistic to say if you are able to trust, it means that you are also trustworthy.

So the key question many times in life is how do we improve our ability to trust!! As a coach, frequently I end up helping the team members start trusting each other. I use a couple of techniques - the first one is explaining possible reason(s) - the positive ones - for someone's behaviour and asking the team to see if there is a possibility for any more such reasons.  Usually such coaching sessions start at a very low energy level but the positive energy gets generated in them is amazing! Teams feel so very excited and/or grateful at the end of the session! The next technique is challenging the assumptions that lead to not trusting others. Though, sometimes this conversation gets tougher to handle, it is essential to break the habit of assuming. It gets tougher when the coach is also responsible for teaching them risk management and techniques like Failure Mode Effect Analysis, SWOT, Threat Model analysis etc. :-) Not only that, the coach may be hated for challenging their belief system! Coaches do not feel afraid to be hated anyways :-) Or put it differently, one can be a coach only if he/she is not afraid of being hated!!

Biggest challenge a coach goes thru is to make the team unlearn! Teaching something all new is a lot easier than making them unlearn what they already know or what they have experienced! If they have had a untrustworthy team member, anybody playing that role becomes untrustable easily only because of their earlier experience! Because they assume this way, they behave overly cautiously. Of course, the other member can understand this - even if they do not understand the reasons, they understand that there is something wrong with the relationship and as a result they behave even more cautiously! With this, they get into a vicious cycle! Remember, statements like, all sales people are liars, all accountants are rude etc., they all stem from the assumption cycle! It gets tougher to get the team out of that habit. Challenging the assumption works better in that case.

As mentioned in many of my earlier articles, applying most of these techniques is easier in professional set up. When it comes to personal environment, anyone who tries to build trust between two / a few other people can be seen as manipulative or intruder or a controller! It is better for the individual to look for ways to break away from the usual thinking, find positive reasons and challenge their own assumptions. It is tough though!! Unlearning is too difficult! It takes considerable effort to unlearn the negativity towards a role in professional environment itself! It can look almost impossible in personal life! Moreover, a lot of generalisations will also happen like in the case of professional life…. The statements like "All women/men are….", "All Indians/Europeans  are…", "All cooks/drivers are…", "All  neighbours in this neighbourhood are… " etc. are a result of such assumptions, negativity towards one person who represented that role / country! But then, it is all the more important to trust people  in personal life! If not, life can be miserable if not hell. I am sure none of us want hell!

How do we make this world feel like heaven? How do we improve trust overall - both being trustworthy and being able to trust?

Why...

India is one of the countries that still has a lot of heterogeneity. While one would feel proud of many of these heterogeneous aspects, some of them hurt - sometimes very deeply. Yesterday was one such day, where I was watching something without the ability to fix things.

At first sight, it appeared to be a pleasant thing to watch - a small girl was in a roadside henna shop and getting her forearms, wrists and palms painted. She was all smiles. I was watching her from my car stuck in traffic jam. It was so cute to watch her getting excited about the design emerging in front of her eyes. Her already large eyes kept widening and her smile kept broadening getting more beautiful! I even felt, her eyes may just pop out of her face any time! A couple of girls approached the shop, eagerly looking at the little girl, she too showed her hand with a lot of happiness and pride. All three of them were smiling! Smiles are contagious… I was smiling inside the car. The traffic cleared in about 2 minutes. When all vehicles started moving, it happened… the watchman who came from nowhere chased away the two other girls. That is when I realised, he was able recognize some details that I and the other little girl failed to. The two girls are poor, not dressed properly. They probably are from the lowest strata of the society

By the time my brain took the shock, processed the details left out, I had crossed hundred meters or so. I don’t know how the girls felt, I was so upset sitting in a racing car, surrounded by other racing cars and bikes. My driver was puzzled to hear me screaming 'stop the car' but he managed to pull the car to the side in a few  hundred meters. I wanted to get down, go pay for the henna work for the two other girls to keep them smiling. Only when I was about to get down, my rational brain started working - I have crossed quite a distance, I will take another 15 minutes to reach the shop if I walk back and if I turned the car around I will take about 30 mins because the next U turn is further down the road. The girls would have gone very far in the opposite direction by that time. Even if I locate them, they are not going to trust me as I am a total stranger. After all, henna is not their highest priority in life. In spite of these thoughts trying to stop me from action, I opened the door only to be stopped by the driver stating it is no parking area and we are creating more traffic behind us; he advised me not to get down unless it is a life threatening need! All cars behind were honking as if all of them are yelling at me!! I asked him to move forward but my mind stayed back at that moment!

I was thinking of my protected childhood and how I was pampered. I remembered the day when my dad went and bought a dress late in the night (around 11 pm) just because I wanted it - I did not even demand it immediately; I JUST wanted it at some point in time in future. But it was made available on the very same day. But these two children were not even able to watch henna being done for someone else. Why is life so hard for some people? Is it their fault that they are born in their respective families, instead of mine? Is it "Karma"? Is it really "Karma"? What are they to learn from this incident? What is the first girl to learn, will she ever be able to do henna without thinking of this incident in her entire life? How about the other two children, will they ever interact with others freely? If it is Karma playing all this, what kind of Karma is the watchman acquiring? He was the root cause for my driver to skip a heartbeat by my screams and was the reason behind another traffic jam - more importantly - he removed smiles from four people instantly and pushed us into a state of shock. But he is only doing his job! he is paid to do this work after all!

What is my role in this? Is it only writing these emotional articles? If I can't act, do I even have the right to comment about the inequalities? Should I drop everything else and work on projects focused on this problem? Or, such a project will get into my never ending list of "to-do"? Is it my "Shelly"self picking up another seashell enroute? What is the reaction of the "Lean Coach" in me who is obsessed with limiting the work in progress? What is the reaction of the researcher in me who wants to make people stick to their long term goals without getting distracted easily? 

I am caught in the middle of conflicting thoughts again!

Tool / technique to be considerate!!

Life answers our questions in different ways! Sometimes, we learn from experience, sometimes an unrelated event answers the questions, sometimes an experienced person (age does not matter - they should just have the experience in the relevant subject) teaches! This article is based on an interesting input I got from one of the conferences I attended recently. Before I attended the conference, I was wondering if there is a tool to make people  considerate and was I concerned!

A wonderful presenter talked about how can we shake our own beliefs / expectations about the various "rules" we have in our mind and start to be more considerate. These rules are typically the "tolerance" questions! These are the rules we hold sacred irrespective of whether we follow it all the time or not. Please note, if we hold "never lie" rule does not necessarily mean we do not lie always; it could just mean that we do not like others to lie to us :-)

He made us write the rules that are so dear to us - the rules that will make us go mad if broken or we hold others by the neck if they do not follow it. For example if you think people should be on time for the meeting, then you would write "I must always come to the meetings on time". Then he asked us to replace the "must" with "can"; your rule would now read as "I can always come to the meetings on time".  When you write this statement you can realise that not everyone can always come on time; you can feel your attitude changing slowly; this sentence feels more right than the previous one! Then he asked us to replace the "always" with "sometimes". So your sentence would read "I can sometimes come to the meetings on time" - Ah! You feel the sentence is wrong again! You will start counting the scenarios when things can go awfully wrong if people are late! Add them as your constraints with a "when" clause "I can sometimes come to the meetings on time when a) the meeting is to decide product launch date b) the meeting involves people from ….." and so on

It was interesting to note that no one volunteered to share their rule to discuss how it felt, after a 10 minute exercise! We do have a lot of such filters and rules; but it is hard for us to accept that we have such rules, especially in front of a group of people who were sensitised about these filters and undue expectations induced by these filters!! But we do that all the time! We yell at people, silently make a mental note that someone is bad or penalise them in different ways just because they are different from us! Sometimes intentionally, many times unintentionally! All these "30 seconds" first impression issues arise as a result of these filters! Most of the relationships - both professional and personal - strain because of these filters!

I will add a step to the above process. Because our rules are usually for others, I will prefer to write it as "Everyone must always come on time to meetings". It feels 100% right. Then "everyone" to "I" - I will change it to "I must always come on time to meetings". This brings the first level turn in most cases in my opinion.

Think of a person you interact frequently and rate them for the following statements in a three scale score i) always ii) it depends iii) not at all.  "He/She is out right in sharing opinions" and "He/She forgives mistakes of others". After that, rate yourself for the same statements. Most likely, you chose an always or not at all option for the other person and it depends for yourself. That is because you know when you withheld sharing a opinion you wanted to share or vice versa but you do not know the same for the other person. Usually when it comes to others, we tend to favour a binary response but when it comes to us things start to become fuzzy. That is why I feel, it is better to write the rule for "Everyone" and then change it to "I". This can alter our attitude towards the statement at the first level. And then follow the rest of the steps. You will come up with decent set of guidance for your group!

I have started removing my filters slowly! Sure it is not easy! But I keep reminding myself that I am not born with these filters; they came to me / I acquired them over a period. Most often, I did not even choose them! I learnt them mostly unconsciously, at best, subconsciously. When conscious choices themselves do not apply universally, why defend something that was not a conscious choice! Why carry a cross painstakingly! 

Let us remove filters! Let us be considerate! Let us be more human!

Dhakshayani…

It is interesting to reflect on why I chose Dhakshayani to be my sobriquet if at all I have one! 

I remember the day my parents took me to a movie called "Thiruvilaiyaadal" which literally means the games of God!  Though I did not understand many things, I remember I was upset that Shiva did not allow Sakthi to visit her own father. At a very tender age, only thing mattered in the whole movie to me was a girl not able to see her father; nothing else mattered! For the next few days, I was worried if someone will prevent me from seeing my dad!

I listened to the dialogues of the same movie many times in the temples during festival seasons. (Oh! They played only a few movies all the time!) I took it very personal! More and more I listened to it, the fear of not seeing my dad became an anger at a later point in time! I could not stand a thought of someone else having the power to stop me from meeting my dad!  Whether Dhakshan was right or wrong did not carry any weight in my mind. She may fight with him one day and the next day she may shower all her love on him; It is absolutely between the daughter and father I felt. It is none of Shiva's business to worry about what is happening between her and her dad, I firmly believed (believe still) .  

"Where did you come? How could you face me" were some of the lines that keep ringing in my ears even today. That made me even more furious. How can he be so rude to her for trying to defend him, claiming what is rightfully his? Final explanation that Shiva only tried to protect Sakthi from insults infuriated me further! So he can try to protect her from insults but she can't try to protect him from insults! To be able to protect is only a man's fort, is it? Moreover, who is he to stop her from entering the house? Is it not her house too? It was a strong feminist rage brewing in me during my teenage. Fortunately, the dialogue writer of the movie did not have a chance to meet me during that period! :-)

In early twenties, I was nick named as Kaali - the most ferocious form of Sakthi - as a result of a righteous anger  I expressed :-) . Around that time, I read that Sakthi did not like to be called as Dhakshayani and she took birth as daughter of Parvatharajan so that she will be called as Parvathi. I felt even more annoyed! I thought it was a story written by men to brainwash women to accept whatever the husband says; if she does not, her reputation is at stake; she will have to do a lot more to fix the "bad name".  I rejected the story as a mere lie! When all the Gods incarnated or manifested to protect someone or kill a monster or bless someone, Goddesses had other reasons too to incarnate in addition to killing a monster or blessing someone - to wipe out a bad name or a curse or do penance to be back with the God! These story lines irked me to the core. That is when I decided, I will retain my maiden name as my last name for ever! If world considers "Dhakshayani" as bad, uses it as a moral / emotional threat against women, that is the name I like the most. When I write this paragraph, after close to 20 years, I can still feel the smile with anger I held when I read the "Dhakshayani becoming Parvathi" story and felt close to "Dhakshayani"

Though, I mellowed down in several aspects as life progressed, my inclination towards "Dhakshayani" is intact!

To be or Not to be!!

Should we extend life with just medical support is one of the long debated, never ending, unanswerable questions! Though I have heard the question, arguments from both sides several times in the past, the question shook me today. When I heard the 40+ son feeling so desperate to save his 70+ mother, I did not know how to respond! The son is desperate for his mother and the mother is not in a position / state of conscious to decide!! When it  is just a discussion topic in office lunch table, our reaction is different! When it comes to reality, when someone is really going thru the pain of taking such a decision, our reaction is so very different! I did not have a suggestion one way or the other!

Of course, I can not decide for others! But, I have been thinking what is my decision in such a scenario! If I am in the mother's situation, my decision is not to extend my life only with medical support! No way!! I would rather go!

Many times, it appears as if there are things only I can do… But the truth is there is nothing that has to be done by a specific person only!! Sure, each of us is unique, precious, we are the only person who can do something the way we do! But we are not irreplaceable - be it in business world or in personal world! Even a child who loses both parents a minute after birth survives in this world! Of course, life becomes harder for the child; but it survives! So, why create unnecessary burden on the soul to stay longer  by force!

This blog post is like an open declaration to all that if at all I end up in such a situation, please donate all my "donatable" organs and let me go!